I found out Monday that my grandmother would visit, and then go home and write on her calendar when she saw my dad 'be mean' to me...as my mom worded it. She saw it happen enough that she began writing it down on a calendar. I want to find those calendars. I want to know why no one ever stopped him. THAT is what I really want to know.
Healing is so weird at times. I'm over here happy and enjoying this new level of peace, and joy...then BLAM! Some new information to process.
I appreciate that she wrote it down, and cared enough to pay attention. I don't fault her at all.
But I still wonder why no one did anything. I have lesions on my spine from his beatings...but no one did anything.
THIS is why I speak out when I see others being marginalised, and abused. I see the same behavior in the orange one that my dad exhibited daily. I know abusive behavior when I see it. I'm also a trained -master's degree- counselor. And I know when it's just my own stuff versus when i see an abusive person.
If you see something...SAY something to someone that can help. You might be saving a life...at least changing it for the better <3
So, I feel that the best way for people to heal is for them to know it's a process. We heal a layer, then another, and another. And with each layer healed, we find more peace, more joy, more abundance of love. So, I am authentic. I share my own struggles, but that never takes away from the work and healing I've accomplished. It actually shines brighter because I am authentic and vulnerable in my sharing.
Honestly...I'm a tad torn about my beloved hero...my grandmother. I know she wanted to help me. I know she loved me tremendously. But the little girl in me is asking the question: "why didn't she DO something?" and the grown up me says "well, times were different. people didn't talk about abuse. there were no agencies that promoted how they could help, even if they could. she cared enough to get you out of the house often and build into you confidence and love."
Fuck...my dad's dad was like that too...always trying to instill confidence into me. BUT they didn't understand that my dad had KILLED that so completely that it would take YEARS of me working on healing to have a shred of confidence. That I would do many many things that caused me more heartache as I looked for anyone to love me.
They saw...and they tried to counteract what he did...but it was too deep. His words were relentless. His abuse horrific. Phew...I'm not going into all of that here now. The book is coming up to be written out. But I keep feeling it's not fully formed. Do I delay writing? Or just start and let it do its thing?
Thank you for listening. I don't write this for you to do anything...but only for me to share that with great pain, healing can come. I've healed and grown so much. I'm not the person that they tried to make me. That's why I have the DNA tattoo on my arm. I am me. I choose to grow, heal, shed, and be healthy...