Ending OCD mind loops and feeling the freedom of healing
There has been incredible healing progress in my life recently. The years of work, digging to find the truth of me, healing, processing...I finally feel the peace. Freedom that I have never known blows beautifully and openly in my chest. David has gained freedom in his brain and the left side of his body from the muscles and nerves that pull and hurt. We are both healing. I want to focus on that. Those incredible successes. I feel getting out of the OCD loop that my brain has been wired to go in the past, will help bring about the changes we desire. It is a combination of mentally visualising what I/we want to manifest, and reminding myself of what we/I have manifested.
I had to start doing this when David was in severe pain because my mind would spiral. He doesn’t need my manic energy when his nerves are already on edge, so I started picturing what we want to see: David laughing, dancing, making love with me everywhere…, teaching together. I see him take my hand as we are off stage and we walk out to talk about love with a thunderous audience. Seeing the sparkle in his eyes as he smiles and takes my hand gets me every time. I smile and know that it’s real and coming.
I suddenly realised that this is incredibly similar in voice/tone to what I wrote in 93!
Interesting…I wrote that after being with Cathy watching the Doors. I just listened to a recording David and I did this weekend/yesterday(?) about what has come up for me to see/understand/release heal…
I’ve been wondering who has been talking shit about me so voraciously…pondering a few that are doing shit talking…but suddenly, I saw Cathy. I cut her out of my life years ago. Multiple times, really. She was the epitome of frenemy. She went after my boyfriends, told guys that I was ugly and she couldn’t understand why they liked me, made up stories...didn’t like that I went to the movies alone, wanted me to be her lover…wow, it sounds like she wanted to posses and control me. If she could hurt me, she did. When I began dating a black man, she said that I would never have a white christmas. At her first son’s baby shower…her husband handed a baseball card to me and said Cathy said I would like it. It was the man that raped me. I was traumatised. I ran out of there shaking and crying.
That’s the person CM is and she seemingly cannot handle knowing I won’t have anything to do with her…so she tells people that I’m crazy and that I often cut off people out of my life. She is half right…I do cut people out of my life the moment they show me that their character is lacking, and they are in toxic territory. Most of what MP wrote to me when things C has said. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that until last night.
LR, JB, MP, CM, family members…each one is fully wrapped up in the notion that there’s no way I could cut them out of my life. They have convinced themselves that I am less than they and therefore I must be insane because I could not be manipulated to be their friend and take their abuse.
So, that finishes that nest. I can wrap it up. Each failed to be a healthy person, and friend to me. They do not want to
see how they failed, or do the work to change those things. I scrutinized myself for decades. I spend time daily looking at my actions and thoughts to see what is toxic that needs to be changed…and even what is good, but could be refined. People that do not do the same for themselves do not honour themselves, others, or Love. They are limited, dull, blind people that choose to wallow in the mud and want you to be dirty there with them so they can point and laugh, but when we learn better and do better…the dirt holds no interest. I know why, I see why, and I can’t be bothered by their toxic energy anymore. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Release the energy, and enjoy the refreshing clean freedom.
This won’t be a loop that my OCD mind twists and tries to understand anymore. I’ve gone through the layers of energy and how I altered my behaviors based on the need to protect myself from the toxicity. Each layer holds a charge. Once I go through each layer to satisfaction, the charge is removed. When the charge is removed, that layer is erased. Deleted. Removed. The layers have come from a cascading effect that began at a blinking red light at the top of the pyramid. That light is the core of the issue. Once I have grounded within me the truth, and have uncovered and released the layers of damage…the red light *blinks* out and is gone. And I am free from that! Done. Dunn, done.
I started this writing about the healing we have gained…not realising I would write out this new discovery from last how each of these layers were healed, giving you the understanding so that you can do that for yourself as well. Understanding what and how to forgive yourself above anyone else for the behaviors you gained as a defense. These are things that we teach our clients, and it’s often very personalised. However, there are some basic guidelines I can share soon that will help you get started until you can have a few sessions with one of us to continue your shackle free healing!
Blessings, healing, love, and Peace,